The Politics of Swimming

The politics of Swimming 

I like Swimming. I'm no Duncan Goodhew (Insert modern day equivalent here.. Rebecca someone?) but I go a couple of times a week and try my best not to drown. The main thing I do when I go through, is to swim up and down. Something you'd have thought everyone in the pool was doing! Well no... The Pool is a bustling hive of unspoken politics and seething passive aggressiveness.  Here's why: 

Adamant clockwisers: 

If I'm in a lane with just one other person, it makes sense to split the lane. This means that one of us swims up and down on the left and one of us swims up and down on the right.  

This means that it doesn't matter if one of us is a bit slower.  

Otherwise I will be annoyed that I have to wait at the end of the lane for you to get a head start so that I  don't catch up to you, and then having to do this every. single. length. Feeling as though I may as well be sitting in a hot tub the amount of resting I am doing.  

If I am the slower one, I will be feeling under pressure to swim super fast and constantly experiencing the guilt of knowing that I am holding you up and that you are gradually despising me more and more. 

However, the lane "Rules" which are printed on a board and placed poolside at the shallow end, state that you should "Swim clockwise" or anticlockwise, and for some reason, some people will uphold this rule no matter what.  

The lifeguards don't give a toss if you swim clockwise, anticlockwise, split the lane or try to do tiny tiny lane sized widths. The only thing they care about is if you try to bring a snorkel in. Or possibly if you are drowning.  

So I don't understand why the Adamant circlers would rather be hated or be filled with hate than stop swimming in a circle. Seriously, pick a side. 

(And on a related note, if someone is right behind you everytime you have finished your length, it probably means that they keep catching up because they are faster so LET THEM GO PAST!) 

The aggressive strokers: 

What is the point in backstroke? It's an accident waiting to happen. It's antisocial and selfish. You will swim into me. You will weave all over the place because You can't see where you are going! How can this be safe in water! You are basically swimming blindfold and upside down. 

If you want to backstroke, the only good time to do it is in a completely empty pool, with zero chance of anyone joining you. ever. But also with CCTV so that when you swim head first into the side and crack your head open someone might come and laugh at you rescue you. 

Same goes for whatever that stroke is where you windmill both your arms in and out of the water and smack it with great force. 

The Chatters: 

Why are you here if you are just going to sit in the shallow end, blocking the way? You may as well be in the pub. It doesn't count as exercise if you don't move! 

Sometimes you'll do the odd length, to make it seem as though it was worth a fiver, but mainly you'll get in my way.  

The big family group: 

I don't mind a big family group per se, but some families have no regard for their surroundings, or their kids safety it would seem. 

On many occasions I have had to dodge a flying five year old that the father has thrown into the water, or had a couple of wrestling brothers legs kick me in the face as I pass by. 

Mainly they like to weave in and out of my lane as they dive down to fetch their locker key wristbands. The funnest game there is to play in the pool it would seem.  

I wouldn't mind them having their fun in the main part of the pool, but one small child will always end up in my lane, causing me to roll my eyes and then to feel belittled as they zoom past me, backstroking all the way.  

See you all in Hartsdown!