The Politics of Swimming

The politics of Swimming 

I like Swimming. I'm no Duncan Goodhew (Insert modern day equivalent here.. Rebecca someone?) but I go a couple of times a week and try my best not to drown. The main thing I do when I go through, is to swim up and down. Something you'd have thought everyone in the pool was doing! Well no... The Pool is a bustling hive of unspoken politics and seething passive aggressiveness.  Here's why: 

Adamant clockwisers: 

If I'm in a lane with just one other person, it makes sense to split the lane. This means that one of us swims up and down on the left and one of us swims up and down on the right.  

This means that it doesn't matter if one of us is a bit slower.  

Otherwise I will be annoyed that I have to wait at the end of the lane for you to get a head start so that I  don't catch up to you, and then having to do this every. single. length. Feeling as though I may as well be sitting in a hot tub the amount of resting I am doing.  

If I am the slower one, I will be feeling under pressure to swim super fast and constantly experiencing the guilt of knowing that I am holding you up and that you are gradually despising me more and more. 

However, the lane "Rules" which are printed on a board and placed poolside at the shallow end, state that you should "Swim clockwise" or anticlockwise, and for some reason, some people will uphold this rule no matter what.  

The lifeguards don't give a toss if you swim clockwise, anticlockwise, split the lane or try to do tiny tiny lane sized widths. The only thing they care about is if you try to bring a snorkel in. Or possibly if you are drowning.  

So I don't understand why the Adamant circlers would rather be hated or be filled with hate than stop swimming in a circle. Seriously, pick a side. 

(And on a related note, if someone is right behind you everytime you have finished your length, it probably means that they keep catching up because they are faster so LET THEM GO PAST!) 

The aggressive strokers: 

What is the point in backstroke? It's an accident waiting to happen. It's antisocial and selfish. You will swim into me. You will weave all over the place because You can't see where you are going! How can this be safe in water! You are basically swimming blindfold and upside down. 

If you want to backstroke, the only good time to do it is in a completely empty pool, with zero chance of anyone joining you. ever. But also with CCTV so that when you swim head first into the side and crack your head open someone might come and laugh at you rescue you. 

Same goes for whatever that stroke is where you windmill both your arms in and out of the water and smack it with great force. 

The Chatters: 

Why are you here if you are just going to sit in the shallow end, blocking the way? You may as well be in the pub. It doesn't count as exercise if you don't move! 

Sometimes you'll do the odd length, to make it seem as though it was worth a fiver, but mainly you'll get in my way.  

The big family group: 

I don't mind a big family group per se, but some families have no regard for their surroundings, or their kids safety it would seem. 

On many occasions I have had to dodge a flying five year old that the father has thrown into the water, or had a couple of wrestling brothers legs kick me in the face as I pass by. 

Mainly they like to weave in and out of my lane as they dive down to fetch their locker key wristbands. The funnest game there is to play in the pool it would seem.  

I wouldn't mind them having their fun in the main part of the pool, but one small child will always end up in my lane, causing me to roll my eyes and then to feel belittled as they zoom past me, backstroking all the way.  

See you all in Hartsdown!

Review: Stories for the Starlit Sky - Daniel Kitson and Gavin Osborn

 Stories for the Starlit Sky - Daniel Kitson and Gavin Osborn 
Review:  Margate Theatre Royal, 28th October 2015 

Daniel Kitson is a Comedian, master of his craft and respected among his peers and comedy fans alike. He rarely tours, doesn't promote himself and doesn't appear on Television.  

He is a creative artist, pushing boundaries with varied projects, including the recent play "The Tree" a two hander which he wrote and performed in (whilst up a tree), and his Edinburgh festival contribution this year, "Polyphony" another Play, in which audience members were given ipods that each contained an individual actors dialog and which Kitson acted alongside.  

Gavin Osborn, is his long time collaborator, the two having worked on many projects together. He is a singer-songwriter with an acoustic folk style. In just a short 3 minute song you are often introduced to interesting and complex characters or tales of escapades that are quite captivating. Osborn does have a talent for making you feel invested in his characters, and to feel empathy for their situations in just 3 minutes is quite an achievement. 

"Stories for a starlit sky" is like Jackanory, on stage, with songs, but 14.6 times the length with the running time of 3 hours 40 minutes!

The show consists of 3 separate stories, read by Kitson. There is an interval between each one. Osborn's music is weaved into the tales like natural chapter breaks. 

"Boom. Break. Boom. Break. Wallop. Hometime." 

(www.danielkitson.com) 

It begins with a Bedtime story within a story, where we hear about the tale teller as well as hearing the tale told. 

An insomniac child is told a story by his father about a village of retired assassins. The audience gets the double treat of hearing a fun and far fetched story about geriatric killers as well as a sweet tale of father son late night bonding.  I found both stories quite gripping, as well as funny, as we were learning about the world of assassination and also the mind of a pre-teen who was trying all he could to be allowed to stay up all night. 

Osborn's songs broke the tension nicely and left room for the suspense to build. 

All 3 of the stories are themed around Love and Osborn embraces this theme, with each of the songs during this first tale containing a mini love story itself, such as the fabulous "Dear Stranger" about a checkout worker writing a love letter to one of his customers. 

"It's Hot chocolate O'Clockolate" 

(Daniel Kitson: Stories for the Starlit Sky) 

The second story is about the night a man and woman first encounter each other and, like all the stories, the Characters are rich and quirky and projected so well they are easy to envisage. They are a mix of the bizarre and the identifiable.

Osborn's melodies this time around provide narrative from the characters featured in the story, each one being about a key point in their lives. The song  "Holding it together" is a beautiful tale  about when a child leaves home. Every song during this story struck a chord with me, maybe because they related more to the story, which I had vividly held in my mind at the time, or maybe just because life is short and precious and a half lifetime of love being cut down into just a few key moments in song form reminds you of this fact. 

When the second story ended I was in tears.

"Of their daughter flying the nest, they recall, just trying their best, to hold on to just one of her feathers.... then holding it together" 

(Gavin Osborn: "Holding it together" from the album "Come on folks, settle down") 

The Final Story begins, and as all of them were, this one is also set at night, in a building where every act of Romantic love pops out of a printer on a little card and has to be filed by the two night workers. 

I liked the world created here, it felt solid in my mind. Kitson's beautifully descriptive scenery and well formed characters were likable as they had been throughout. 

There is some flashback in this story, and it is loosely connected with the others, giving a satisfying call back . 

The story felt lighthearted as the man and woman working have fun creating games to pass the time and appear to be friends enjoying each others company, but it has a melancholy twist too. 

Osborn does not disappoint and the classic "Albert goes out to see Rock bands" is a winner here, as he returns to stand alone songs. 

Overall the theme of love was excellent, but not overly twee as it was counterbalanced nicely with the realities of being in love whilst living this normal fallible life. It was bittersweet at times as life and love are in reality. 

Both performers excelled, their banter was humorous, their storytelling intriguing and lovely. They work excellently together and their styles and works compliment each other. You can see true friendship between them too which is brilliant. 

It made me love Kitson and Osborn more, It made me want to love and be loved more. It filled my heart with joy and a bit of sorrow. I absolutely loved it. 

Stories for the starlit sky is on tour right now but there are only a few dates left. 

See tour info here 

If you can't get to see it, I urge you to go and see either or preferably both of these performers as soon as you can!