Poo in a soft play centre

My son just pooed his pants in a soft play centre.
Maybe this will be the title of my first novel (or post hardcore punk album?) But for now it is just cold hard fact.
I never wanted my blog to be a 'parenting' blog, but being a parent, it is hard to avoid these parent based situations. So here are my observations on "soft play".

1: it is quite fun if you 'go on' everything with your child.
Most people take their kids to these places for a break, to drink a 'worse coffee than one you could have made at home', eat a dry cake and have a sit down whilst 'Patrick' (I'm assuming that's your child's name) bounces around the padded room like a miniature insane asylum inmate.
But my suggestion is, let go to the preconceived notion of adulthood! All the Mums and Dads secretly want to ride in the Peppa Pig car.
Get on it.
Slide on that slide, Dance with that giant bumblebee, kick around in that ball pool, operate that mechanical digger and stuff what anyone else thinks. Your child will appreciate you interacting with them.

2: Have a break! In complete opposition to what I've just written (as a bipolar writer this is my whim!) Take your child there when you need a break.
Drink a dreadful coffee! Drink 3! Meet friends and try to have a conversation but realise when you leave that you actually started 6 that were all interrupted when little 'Pixie' ran into the catering area for the 3rd time or little 'Barry' fell over and cried again or little 'Stella' wouldn't stop shouting mummy in your friends face for a full 11 minutes.
At least you got out of the house, wore the little buggers out a bit and have things to talk about next time you see your friends. Ie: the punchlines of the interupted gossip

3: Be prepared for confrontation.
However much you want to be left alone to write you blog (ahem) whilst little 'Levi' is negotiating a rope bridge, at some point it will become a push or get pushed, (kicked or tripped up) type of situation.
Best case scenario is that 'Levi' comes to you, crying incoherently about a foot in his eye on the slide. You bribe him with toddler crack (a fruit shoot) and he goes back to playing.
Second best case is that 'Levi' is dragged to you by a Scary looking Muvva, who will tell you that he was kicking her little 'Tyson' in the eye on the slide and make you both Appologise and feel uncomfortable before either leaving or immediately forgetting it 2 minutes later. (This depends on level of scariness of said muvva)
Worst Case scenario is that you get in a fight with a child. This has literally happened locally to me. A man punched a toddler in the face.... and to be honest I can see how that can happen as I've nearly been there myself.
A girl refused to stop blocking the bottom of a slide and she was the reason we are going to go extinct one day. If a 3 year old has been told it's acceptable to shout "I can do what I want! I don't have to do what you tell me! I don't have to move! I don't want to share! It's not your slide!" Then there's no hope for humanity.
Hell is other people's children.

4: Try not to think about the fifth.
Seriously. I'm gonna make you think about it now. Then you need to forget it. Forever.
Remember when your child has a snotty nose and they wipe it on their sleeve and you let them go to Nursery anyway?
Well, snot sleeves get wiped onto every single surface in that soft play arena.
Every second you are in there a toddler sneezes on something that your baby will put in their mouth.
Your baby has vomited in the ball pool.
There is very probably leaky nappy wee on every chair and slide.
And I know for a fact that there has been poo. Because I was just the guardian of that pooer.

Enjoy your time at soft play because 'zumba' will develop a cold 2 days later and you'll remember why you don't go that often.

It's beginning to feel (not a lot) like Christmas.

So it's Christmas eve. The festivities are well and truly apon us. Or are they?
I've been sensing an undercurrent of 'not feeling christmassy' this year and have been wondering why that is.
I think the unseasonably warm weather might have something to do with it. People do seem to associate December 25th with a crisp cold winters day.
The wearing of wooly jumpers and warm boots. The childhood reminiscences of trudging outside in the icy sludge after dinner to try out your new bicycle, roller skates or remote controlled car.
Sitting indoors by a roaring fire, drinking hot chocolate or mulled wine.
The Danish have a word "hygge" (pronounced "hooga") to describe this kind of feeling. It roughly translates to mean cosiness, and can be used to describe creating an atmosphere of warmth and comfort, spending a happy relaxed time with family and friends, or the types of items that reflect this feel, such as candles, soft furnishings and open fires.

I think most people would agree that Christmas is usually a very "hygge" time. A time of tradition and reflection.

I believe the clement weather dulls this usual yuletide feeling somewhat.

Or perhaps it's a cynicism that comes with ageing...
I do reflect more now on the pointlessness of Christmas, as I spend months searching for the ideal gifts for my friends and family. The exact same gifts that I was looking at last year or the year before!
I feel as though we may as well stand in a circle and pass money to the person on our left, then  the following year pass it back to the right.
Present buying seems ultimately more pointless and a waste of money.
I feel like there should be more to Christmas than bottles of flavoured vodka, iPhone touch gloves and self stirring mugs, especially when some people go without.
Of course it's different for the Children in the family. The time is magical for them and I believe they should be thoroughly spoiled.
I just feel like there's too much commercialism and too much pressure to conform. I want to help people more, especially at this time of year, and spread some "hygge" love to those that have little.
So I volunteered to do some money collecting, and I sorted out a load of clothes to donate.
I've done a bit, although it's only small.
Why not try and do something small yourself too. You never know the difference it could make to someone's life.
If you spread some Christmas joy you might end up feeling more christmassy yourself.

Dreamland frosted fairground review

On Saturday my family ventured into Dreamland's Frosted fairground.
My husband and I had previously visited Dreamland on their opening night but we were yet to take our four year old, and weren't sure if he would want to go on any rides, so the free entry and token ride system seemed like the perfect chance to try it out and see what he thought.
We were there for 6 hours in total! As I expected, our son was a bit nervous of some of the rides but he still had a turn on quite a few of them, as did we.
I thought that the atmosphere at the park was lovely. The vast majority of the staff present a happy face to the visitors. There were Christmas stalls with unusual wares, such as upcycled clothes and vintage style games.
The cold winter air was filled with foamy fake snow from the snow machine that was sporadically running, and the December breeze was circulating this around the park, making for quite a festive atmosphere.
I've seen a few folk moaning online about Dreamland's pricing for individual rides and whilst I would agree that it did work out expensive for us, it was a good chance to get a feel for the park and know wether it would be worth the entry fee in the future.
The average cost for rides seemed to be 3 tokens, each token being £1, although there were some 4 token ones, and the scenic railway is 5 tokens.
£5 per person does seem a bit steep for one ride as normal entry for the whole park is around £15.
I didn't think there were enough 1 or 2 token rides really. But I guess that's the way to bring back repeat business,  if you can't afford to ride everything with the token system, maybe you'd come back when the entry fees are back in place.
Overall though we had a great day and will certainly be returning.
I especially loved the bumper cars. In the 90s it seemed that all bumper cars became 'dodgems' and crashing was forbidden, but that rule has gone out of the window now! Back to the classic bash and crash Bumpers!
My son enjoyed the mini motorbike merry-go-round and the big slide.
My husband had a go on the scenic railway but thinks that the hour long queue was too long.
The best value for money seems to be the membership if you can afford the lump sum. It would certainly save money if you're planning on going regularly.
With a small child not yet at school I think I shall be looking into getting a membership and spending more time at Dreamland next year with my son.

The Politics of Swimming

The politics of Swimming 

I like Swimming. I'm no Duncan Goodhew (Insert modern day equivalent here.. Rebecca someone?) but I go a couple of times a week and try my best not to drown. The main thing I do when I go through, is to swim up and down. Something you'd have thought everyone in the pool was doing! Well no... The Pool is a bustling hive of unspoken politics and seething passive aggressiveness.  Here's why: 

Adamant clockwisers: 

If I'm in a lane with just one other person, it makes sense to split the lane. This means that one of us swims up and down on the left and one of us swims up and down on the right.  

This means that it doesn't matter if one of us is a bit slower.  

Otherwise I will be annoyed that I have to wait at the end of the lane for you to get a head start so that I  don't catch up to you, and then having to do this every. single. length. Feeling as though I may as well be sitting in a hot tub the amount of resting I am doing.  

If I am the slower one, I will be feeling under pressure to swim super fast and constantly experiencing the guilt of knowing that I am holding you up and that you are gradually despising me more and more. 

However, the lane "Rules" which are printed on a board and placed poolside at the shallow end, state that you should "Swim clockwise" or anticlockwise, and for some reason, some people will uphold this rule no matter what.  

The lifeguards don't give a toss if you swim clockwise, anticlockwise, split the lane or try to do tiny tiny lane sized widths. The only thing they care about is if you try to bring a snorkel in. Or possibly if you are drowning.  

So I don't understand why the Adamant circlers would rather be hated or be filled with hate than stop swimming in a circle. Seriously, pick a side. 

(And on a related note, if someone is right behind you everytime you have finished your length, it probably means that they keep catching up because they are faster so LET THEM GO PAST!) 

The aggressive strokers: 

What is the point in backstroke? It's an accident waiting to happen. It's antisocial and selfish. You will swim into me. You will weave all over the place because You can't see where you are going! How can this be safe in water! You are basically swimming blindfold and upside down. 

If you want to backstroke, the only good time to do it is in a completely empty pool, with zero chance of anyone joining you. ever. But also with CCTV so that when you swim head first into the side and crack your head open someone might come and laugh at you rescue you. 

Same goes for whatever that stroke is where you windmill both your arms in and out of the water and smack it with great force. 

The Chatters: 

Why are you here if you are just going to sit in the shallow end, blocking the way? You may as well be in the pub. It doesn't count as exercise if you don't move! 

Sometimes you'll do the odd length, to make it seem as though it was worth a fiver, but mainly you'll get in my way.  

The big family group: 

I don't mind a big family group per se, but some families have no regard for their surroundings, or their kids safety it would seem. 

On many occasions I have had to dodge a flying five year old that the father has thrown into the water, or had a couple of wrestling brothers legs kick me in the face as I pass by. 

Mainly they like to weave in and out of my lane as they dive down to fetch their locker key wristbands. The funnest game there is to play in the pool it would seem.  

I wouldn't mind them having their fun in the main part of the pool, but one small child will always end up in my lane, causing me to roll my eyes and then to feel belittled as they zoom past me, backstroking all the way.  

See you all in Hartsdown!

Review: Stories for the Starlit Sky - Daniel Kitson and Gavin Osborn

 Stories for the Starlit Sky - Daniel Kitson and Gavin Osborn 
Review:  Margate Theatre Royal, 28th October 2015 

Daniel Kitson is a Comedian, master of his craft and respected among his peers and comedy fans alike. He rarely tours, doesn't promote himself and doesn't appear on Television.  

He is a creative artist, pushing boundaries with varied projects, including the recent play "The Tree" a two hander which he wrote and performed in (whilst up a tree), and his Edinburgh festival contribution this year, "Polyphony" another Play, in which audience members were given ipods that each contained an individual actors dialog and which Kitson acted alongside.  

Gavin Osborn, is his long time collaborator, the two having worked on many projects together. He is a singer-songwriter with an acoustic folk style. In just a short 3 minute song you are often introduced to interesting and complex characters or tales of escapades that are quite captivating. Osborn does have a talent for making you feel invested in his characters, and to feel empathy for their situations in just 3 minutes is quite an achievement. 

"Stories for a starlit sky" is like Jackanory, on stage, with songs, but 14.6 times the length with the running time of 3 hours 40 minutes!

The show consists of 3 separate stories, read by Kitson. There is an interval between each one. Osborn's music is weaved into the tales like natural chapter breaks. 

"Boom. Break. Boom. Break. Wallop. Hometime." 

(www.danielkitson.com) 

It begins with a Bedtime story within a story, where we hear about the tale teller as well as hearing the tale told. 

An insomniac child is told a story by his father about a village of retired assassins. The audience gets the double treat of hearing a fun and far fetched story about geriatric killers as well as a sweet tale of father son late night bonding.  I found both stories quite gripping, as well as funny, as we were learning about the world of assassination and also the mind of a pre-teen who was trying all he could to be allowed to stay up all night. 

Osborn's songs broke the tension nicely and left room for the suspense to build. 

All 3 of the stories are themed around Love and Osborn embraces this theme, with each of the songs during this first tale containing a mini love story itself, such as the fabulous "Dear Stranger" about a checkout worker writing a love letter to one of his customers. 

"It's Hot chocolate O'Clockolate" 

(Daniel Kitson: Stories for the Starlit Sky) 

The second story is about the night a man and woman first encounter each other and, like all the stories, the Characters are rich and quirky and projected so well they are easy to envisage. They are a mix of the bizarre and the identifiable.

Osborn's melodies this time around provide narrative from the characters featured in the story, each one being about a key point in their lives. The song  "Holding it together" is a beautiful tale  about when a child leaves home. Every song during this story struck a chord with me, maybe because they related more to the story, which I had vividly held in my mind at the time, or maybe just because life is short and precious and a half lifetime of love being cut down into just a few key moments in song form reminds you of this fact. 

When the second story ended I was in tears.

"Of their daughter flying the nest, they recall, just trying their best, to hold on to just one of her feathers.... then holding it together" 

(Gavin Osborn: "Holding it together" from the album "Come on folks, settle down") 

The Final Story begins, and as all of them were, this one is also set at night, in a building where every act of Romantic love pops out of a printer on a little card and has to be filed by the two night workers. 

I liked the world created here, it felt solid in my mind. Kitson's beautifully descriptive scenery and well formed characters were likable as they had been throughout. 

There is some flashback in this story, and it is loosely connected with the others, giving a satisfying call back . 

The story felt lighthearted as the man and woman working have fun creating games to pass the time and appear to be friends enjoying each others company, but it has a melancholy twist too. 

Osborn does not disappoint and the classic "Albert goes out to see Rock bands" is a winner here, as he returns to stand alone songs. 

Overall the theme of love was excellent, but not overly twee as it was counterbalanced nicely with the realities of being in love whilst living this normal fallible life. It was bittersweet at times as life and love are in reality. 

Both performers excelled, their banter was humorous, their storytelling intriguing and lovely. They work excellently together and their styles and works compliment each other. You can see true friendship between them too which is brilliant. 

It made me love Kitson and Osborn more, It made me want to love and be loved more. It filled my heart with joy and a bit of sorrow. I absolutely loved it. 

Stories for the starlit sky is on tour right now but there are only a few dates left. 

See tour info here 

If you can't get to see it, I urge you to go and see either or preferably both of these performers as soon as you can!