My son just pooed his pants in a soft play centre.
Maybe this will be the title of my first novel (or post hardcore punk album?) But for now it is just cold hard fact.
I never wanted my blog to be a 'parenting' blog, but being a parent, it is hard to avoid these parent based situations. So here are my observations on "soft play".
1: it is quite fun if you 'go on' everything with your child.
Most people take their kids to these places for a break, to drink a 'worse coffee than one you could have made at home', eat a dry cake and have a sit down whilst 'Patrick' (I'm assuming that's your child's name) bounces around the padded room like a miniature insane asylum inmate.
But my suggestion is, let go to the preconceived notion of adulthood! All the Mums and Dads secretly want to ride in the Peppa Pig car.
Get on it.
Slide on that slide, Dance with that giant bumblebee, kick around in that ball pool, operate that mechanical digger and stuff what anyone else thinks. Your child will appreciate you interacting with them.
2: Have a break! In complete opposition to what I've just written (as a bipolar writer this is my whim!) Take your child there when you need a break.
Drink a dreadful coffee! Drink 3! Meet friends and try to have a conversation but realise when you leave that you actually started 6 that were all interrupted when little 'Pixie' ran into the catering area for the 3rd time or little 'Barry' fell over and cried again or little 'Stella' wouldn't stop shouting mummy in your friends face for a full 11 minutes.
At least you got out of the house, wore the little buggers out a bit and have things to talk about next time you see your friends. Ie: the punchlines of the interupted gossip
3: Be prepared for confrontation.
However much you want to be left alone to write you blog (ahem) whilst little 'Levi' is negotiating a rope bridge, at some point it will become a push or get pushed, (kicked or tripped up) type of situation.
Best case scenario is that 'Levi' comes to you, crying incoherently about a foot in his eye on the slide. You bribe him with toddler crack (a fruit shoot) and he goes back to playing.
Second best case is that 'Levi' is dragged to you by a Scary looking Muvva, who will tell you that he was kicking her little 'Tyson' in the eye on the slide and make you both Appologise and feel uncomfortable before either leaving or immediately forgetting it 2 minutes later. (This depends on level of scariness of said muvva)
Worst Case scenario is that you get in a fight with a child. This has literally happened locally to me. A man punched a toddler in the face.... and to be honest I can see how that can happen as I've nearly been there myself.
A girl refused to stop blocking the bottom of a slide and she was the reason we are going to go extinct one day. If a 3 year old has been told it's acceptable to shout "I can do what I want! I don't have to do what you tell me! I don't have to move! I don't want to share! It's not your slide!" Then there's no hope for humanity.
Hell is other people's children.
4: Try not to think about the fifth.
Seriously. I'm gonna make you think about it now. Then you need to forget it. Forever.
Remember when your child has a snotty nose and they wipe it on their sleeve and you let them go to Nursery anyway?
Well, snot sleeves get wiped onto every single surface in that soft play arena.
Every second you are in there a toddler sneezes on something that your baby will put in their mouth.
Your baby has vomited in the ball pool.
There is very probably leaky nappy wee on every chair and slide.
And I know for a fact that there has been poo. Because I was just the guardian of that pooer.
Enjoy your time at soft play because 'zumba' will develop a cold 2 days later and you'll remember why you don't go that often.
